My heart of flesh.

With this ring, I thee rape. I have wanted to talk about marital sexual assault for a while but I have not known how to. In my first post here , I make reference to a bit in the bible about a woman's body not being her own.  1 Corinthians 7 v 4. I am not an expert in the bible, not a teacher, minister, counsellor or sex therapist. I am simply an ordinary me. I don't know how to interpret what the bible says. I can only speak from my experience and I am not sure that I have made sense of that either yet. I can't and wont try to teach about bible things because I can't. I can only say how I experienced things that I hear and how they affected me. If you are having sex with your husband and it seems like something is amiss, then something is probably amiss. If you feel forced to have sex with your husband and something is amiss, then something is almost certainly amiss. Coercion and aggression should not be a pert of sex, marriage or life for that matter. My ex...

Have you heard of Flying Monkeys? If you live with a narc or have a narc (narcissist) in your life, you'll also have some flying monkeys in your life - now or at some point. According to Wikipedia and many other articles found on the Internet, these are the people that do the narc's work for them. They act on behalf of the narc to carry out more abuse. It is likely that these people have no idea that they are being used in such a way. It is also likely that they do, if they believe the smears the narc spreads about you - they'll want to hurt you. Why the name 'Flying Monkey'? Internet sources seem to agree that it comes from the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch of the West sent them to carry out her attacks. Who are these people? They are your friends, colleagues or family and also random people in the village - in my case. How it works. When the narc is done with you or if you leave him, or, if he needs some attention, pit...

In a relationship each person should support the other; they should lift each other up. - Taylor Swift. Meet needs. Limit bad behaviour - Cloud and Townsend (2017). We should support one another and be responsible to one another. We can not and should not be one another. This law is a bit hard to try to understand. I am responsible for my actions and myself. You are responsible for your actions and yourself. Narcissistic partners are responsible for their actions and themselves. However, they don't think so. Firstly, we have a responsibility to love our partners. They have a responsibility to love us.We ought to support them. They ought to support us. Share their joy when they succeed and be alongside them during sadness and anxieties. They should be doing the same for us. We can encourage them when they try to help themselves, such as if they are trying to stop drinking too much or smoking. We can be calming when they are angry and help them cope with what has triggered...

Law #1: Sowing and reaping, cause and effect - same thing. If you don't set the alarm clock, you sleep in, you're late for work and in trouble. You don't put oil in the car engine, it seizes up. You do everything for a child, they become helpless. A person treats their partner badly, the partner leaves. The majority of people know these rules and they know from experience or fable that by and large, these laws are true...for most people. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths  are not most people. They are a law unto themselves. Often, they do not reap what they sow. We, their partners step in for them and interrupt this law. The law is not broken, it is still working. We are reaping. As such, we are unwittingly enabling what hurts us so much too. We become the narcissist's ally, perhaps even co-dependent  in the sense that our lives are organised around the behaviours and needs of the narcissist and priority is given to the avoidance of upsetting th...

You get what you tolerate – Dr Henry Cloud, Psychologist. When you feel yourself becoming angry, resentful or exhausted, pay attention to where you haven’t set a healthy boundary – Crystal Andrus, Life Coach. I got what I tolerated. I was angry, resentful and exhausted... A quick search on the Internet about boundary setting can show that there is lots of advice about protecting and empowering ourselves with boundaries. We can learn that "No" is a full sentence or that we must create boundaries to first and foremost care for ourselves. These ideals are perhaps what we dream of. We might think that if we can just do it, things will get better or be fixed. How can we do this inside an abusive relationship with a narcissist / psychopath / sociopath  though? I don't have the answer because I couldn't do it. Being trapped in my unhappy marriage was disempowering, paralysing, debilitating, draining and exhausting. I was so tired, miserable and ground down t...

Narcissist / Psychopath / Sociopath The descriptions and traits below are taken from Internet sources. There are many books written on the subject too. This blog is just intended to be a place to start if you're wondering what Narcissist / Psychopath / Sociopath. I recommend you that you do some more digging around if you need more information. Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy vs. Antisocial Personality Disorder There is often confusion between these terminologies because of wide overlapping of the features. Sociopathy is nearly synonymous with antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial personality disorder is a medical diagnosis which is commonly termed as sociopathy. However, some people may have some features of sociopathy which may not be suffice to meet the diagnostic criteria for antisocial personality disorder. They may also be called (albeit wrongly) sociopaths. Some people consider psychopathy synonymous with sociopathy. However, psychopathy is a more severe form of s...

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not happiness. This isn't the neighbourhood bully mocking me - I could take that. This isn't a foreign devil spitting invective - I could tune that out. It's you! We grew up together! You! My best friend! - King David from the Bible in Psalm 55:12-14 . These words are taken from a paraphrase of the bible. I chose them because they say how I feel. Another quote also expresses what happened to me... "I've been stabbed in the back by those I needed most" - Author Unknown. I am writing this blog to assure people in, or recovering from relationships with narcissists / psychopaths. If you can relate to anything I have written below; you are not alone. What you are going through might actually be happening, and not your imagination. My first blog ( here ) outlined my situation and beliefs. Having been a Christian for all of my life, the vast majority of my friends were Christians. It happens this way wh...