Have you heard of Flying Monkeys?

Have you heard of Flying Monkeys?

If you live with a narc or have a narc (narcissist) in your life, you'll also have some flying monkeys in your life - now or at some point.

According to Wikipedia and many other articles found on the Internet, these are the people that do the narc's work for them. They act on behalf of the narc to carry out more abuse.

It is likely that these people have no idea that they are being used in such a way. It is also likely that they do, if they believe the smears the narc spreads about you - they'll want to hurt you.

Why the name 'Flying Monkey'?

Internet sources seem to agree that it comes from the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch of the West sent them to carry out her attacks.

Who are these people?

They are your friends, colleagues or family and also random people in the village - in my case.

How it works.

When the narc is done with you or if you leave him, or, if he needs some attention, pity or admiration he'll need to find it from somewhere. He might turn to you and you might give it. You might not give enough or you might not give any. He/ she will then need to turn to friends and family. S/he will subtly bring them around to thinking that you are the problem or have done something bad. They will feel sorry for him/her or admire him/her and will end up being used by the narc to fire shots at you. 

You may leave your narc and turn to your friends. S/he will almost certainly turn to your friends too. It might suddenly feel 'off' or 'wrong' with your friends and you do not know why. They might seem like they are fishing for information, be cagey about having seen the narc, be open about having seen the narc, or be trying to talk you into or out of something. It might just feel different for a reason you can't quite put your finger on. They might suddenly stop contacting you.

If this is something you have experienced or are experiencing; beware. It might be because your narc has commandeered them. My narc went on a tour of the country visiting people when I left him. Almost certainly a 'pity me' tour designed to smear me. I didn't know he was a narc at the time. I'd never even heard of that term. I thought it was odd that he visited a friend of mine that I'd known before I'd met him. He'd never shown interest in her or her husband before, it was mostly my friendship. However, he turned up unannounced at their house while 'on tour' and tried to stay overnight with them. I thought it was very odd. I am so grateful that these level headed and intelligent people showed concern and loyalty to me. My other friends didn't. I experienced people physically turning their backs and stopping contacting me. I was left without local friends.

The thing about it is though...

Is that you can do very little about it. The more you try to defend yourself, the more crazy and irate you look. This confirms what the narc has told your friends about you, so they believe him even more. If you start to tell the crazy truth about him, they wont believe you because of the subtle and crazy nature of the abuse. You can't very well tell your friends that you left him because he looked at you wrong or said "good morning" in a way you found threatening or wouldn't put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket or put a fist to your face but didn't actually hit you. They may say you're over sensitive or critical or expect too much  - this kind of thing is what he will have said about you too, so you just confirm it to them.

What you can do

Leave the Flying Monkeys alone. It just is as it is. Narcs are too dangerous and clever to mess with. They can be too devastating to go up against. They have no empathy and a desire to be admired bigger than most of us normal people will ever have. They can keep up lies for years because they are a different type of person. You have to keep this in mind, that they are a different type of person. Don't mess with them. Go 'no contact' with them and theirs (their flying monkeys). If 'no contact' is not possible then the advice is to go Grey Rock with them. Debbie Mirza advises that they are full of rage and may want revenge for years. Don't mess narcs or their friends, even if they are your your ex friends. The anguish is not worth it and you have likely been through or are going through so much. You perhaps are utterly drained and depleted. Perhaps you are confused after the crazy making and full of self doubt believing the lies and manipulations. It is best to leave the flying monkeys alone. It might also be true that they were never really your friends anyway if they are so easily swayed by the narc. If they really knew you, and I mean really knew you and believed you when you tried to confide in them, they wouldn't have entertained the narc and his/her charms.

Me and my intended response?

I have had a random person in my village tell me they feel sorry for my narc because she was upset where I parked my car. I have had a friend stop contacting me but then go on museum visits with him and her and my kids. She then randomly called me after almost a year of no communication with me to inform me she was bringing her daughter around to play with mine so that she could "have a nosey around my house" (her actual words). I have had a friend turn her back many times and cease contact with me but invite me for coffee while our kids played together and proceed to ask me many questions about my life, kids, situation etc; then go completely cold again. All the while her and her husband have been helping the narc with many favours.

I don't regularly see or contact see these people anymore as I have moved to the other end of town. Now and again I cross their paths but I avoid contact because I'm actually not strong enough to fend off nosiness, tactics, shots etc. If I am in a situation which requires me to answer for myself or defend myself I am going to ask them if they have heard of Flying Monkeys and recommend that they Google it. Oh, wait, maybe I wont. They're his Flying Monkeys. They're his. Perhaps do as Monty Python says in The Holy Grail..."run away".