Friends show their love in times of trouble, not happiness - Euripides (Greek Philosopher).

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not happiness.

This isn't the neighbourhood bully mocking me - I could take that.

This isn't a foreign devil spitting invective - I could tune that out.

It's you! We grew up together! You! My best friend!

- King David from the Bible in Psalm 55:12-14 .

These words are taken from a paraphrase of the bible. I chose them because they say how I feel. Another quote also expresses what happened to me...

"I've been stabbed in the back by those I needed most" - Author Unknown.

I am writing this blog to assure people in, or recovering from relationships with narcissists / psychopaths. If you can relate to anything I have written below; you are not alone. What you are going through might actually be happening, and not your imagination.

My first blog (here) outlined my situation and beliefs. Having been a Christian for all of my life, the vast majority of my friends were Christians. It happens this way when people attend church every week. People have friends in common, routines in common, values in common and a deep common understanding of one another. They 'get' one another. This was my situation.

Then I separated from my psychopath husband. Everything changed. Many of my friends knew that I was miserable, trapped with my husband by my beliefs (from bad teaching). Some knew he had repeatedly sexually assaulted me.

My closest Christian friend of many years ignored it all. I learned not to mention it to her looking for comfort. Her husband put up a link to an article on the internet laying out how Christian women should have sex with their husbands whenever their husbands want it and that it is evil to deny a husband. My other Christian friend told me that the sexual assaults were my fault because I wasn't offering my husband enough sex. She knew we had severe difficulties and I wanted to leave and was trapped by our religion. Another friend said it was my fault I was assaulted because I didn't actually say "no" with my words (often, people just roll over and give in due to fear of consequences or they freeze up just wanting it all to be over. I'll write another blog on this I think).  

When I separated from my husband, my friends left me. I didn't receive a single phone call from anybody in the Baptist Church I attended. Not a call from the Minister (Pastor / Vicar). A united wall of silence from my perspective. I was signed off work for 10 weeks with stress and anxiety. Not a single supportive visit or offer of coffee. One (not Christian) friend now turns her back on me physically when we are unfortunate enough to have to share the same space - a few times a year. I put up a post on Facebook after a few months letting everyone know I was separated. Not a long post. Just a sentence. I got lots of well wishing and sympathetic messages from people not of any religion. I got one e-mail from a Christian in response. The vast majority of Christian 'friends' who regularly used Facebook didn't make a single response. Not even my Christian best friend.

All my local friends meanwhile, having turned away from me, attended barbeques held by my ex; barbeques he held to thank them for their support! Fifty or so of my (ex) friends were there, mostly from the village. This is consistent with Narcissism, the need for attention and an inflated sense of self. One Christian friend knew he was applying for a job in another part of the country and planning to take my children. She knew he had an interview for the job and she knew I didn't know. She knew he hadn't told me. Her and her Christian husband helped him decide to take the job. I also work with her every day. She said nothing.  He has now moved away, with my children. He didn't then tell these 'friends' he had moved; they had served their purpose I guess (Narcissists characteristically have a lack of empathy and will take advantage of others to achieve a goal). He may contact them when he needs a place to stay when he is back in the area, but I know he wont be in contact with them otherwise. Meanwhile I'm still here, but they all ditched me.

These are friends that I generated. I made first contact and had the friendships. Effectively MY friends, not his.
A Christian divorced friend stuck with me. An older couple from church were my lifelines. The Church of Scotland minister from a church I did not attend came right to my side and my work colleagues supported me at work. I had support from some Christian friends I met while living abroad too.

Christians and Narcissists / Psychopaths.

This blog is not intended to be a moan about my ex friends. It is more of an observation of people who aspire to be like Jesus and who claim to be non-judgemental. There are also missionaries in the friends mentioned above - spreading the love of Jesus to strangers, but not to their friends it would seem. It is also a comment of how a narcissist / psychopath often comes out looking like the 'goodie'. This can be a real problem for people in or recovering from such relationships. The things you would tell people if you could, they would not believe. Narcissists / psychopaths are plausible and friendly on the outside. Charming, mild and beguiling. Such behaviour is very wounding to those living with or recovering from psychopathic abuse. This is how narcissists / psychopaths operate. This is how they succeed in life and how they generally get what they want and get away with it. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.