Boundaries

You get what you tolerate – Dr Henry Cloud, Psychologist.

When you feel yourself becoming angry, resentful or exhausted, pay attention to where you haven’t set a healthy boundary – Crystal Andrus, Life Coach.

I got what I tolerated. I was angry, resentful and exhausted...
A quick search on the Internet about boundary setting can show that there is lots of advice about protecting and empowering ourselves with boundaries. We can learn that "No" is a full sentence or that we must create boundaries to first and foremost care for ourselves. These ideals are perhaps what we dream of. We might think that if we can just do it, things will get better or be fixed.

How can we do this inside an abusive relationship with a narcissist / psychopath / sociopath though?

I don't have the answer because I couldn't do it.

Being trapped in my unhappy marriage was disempowering, paralysing, debilitating, draining and exhausting. I was so tired, miserable and ground down that I didn't have the will or power to start to set healthy boundaries. I had the desire, but I could not act. I also didn't really know what boundaries were and how to set them.

I have recently discovered that there are ten laws of boundaries. Much of what is written seems to be coming from a religious place, but even so, they make sense. I bought some books and read them.
I discovered these boundaries 18 months after I was separated. If I had discovered them while I was still married to the Narcissist, would it have made a difference? I have no idea. I was weak and dominated. I would not have dared speak up or create any kind of confrontation due to the subsequent repercussions. There would have been 'the look', the silence for days, the stonewalling, or worse, the stern words and instruction that "this will be the end of it" or "we'll hear no more about this now". I would then have been enraged and resentful that I had been disrespected and disregarded. I would have hated my failure and weakness and loathed myself for it. Most of all, I would have been left deeply sad, further wounded and crawled further into a hole of obedience and compliance. I would have been mindful of the bible's instructions about wives submitting to husbands. Wives respecting husbands. Wives bodies not being their own and divorce not being an option (see my first post). Then I would have had that 'sin', guilt and shame to bear and the forgiveness to seek for my bad attitude (see my first post). When the moment of "no" arrived, I may not have been able to go through with it.

Two years before I left the narcissist, I (he wasn't committed enough) organised marriage counselling. Here I found my voice. The counsellor ended the sessions. She said that in her opinion he (my ex) wasn't ready for change and there was nothing more she could do. She organised some individual counselling for him. He went a few times and left (therapy is not likely to work, here and here and here). However, I began to stand up to him and voice things as I was taught. We began to row. I had courage to argue. Then he began to physically threaten me. He never hit me, but I had fists put up to my face and I could see he very much wanted to; clever enough not to actually hit me though. The kind of 'slightly below the radar' abuse. I left him before he hit me. I didn't know about boundaries but I began to tolerate less. By then it was too late. We had no relationship. I truly and purely hated the man. It was too late for boundaries.

So, if you're reading this blog from inside an abusive relationship or an unhappy relationship with a narc / psycho/ socio, I can only advise that you read the books or search the web for the ten boundaries. It may not be safe for you to implement boundaries or it may be too late for you. However, knowing about the potential for boundaries may show you that what you suspected wasn't right about your relationship, really isn't. They can help you identify behaviours in yourself and partner that you didn't know were happening and give them a name. This might be a powerful first step. A place to start. A thing to talk about with somebody. Something to build on. A relief to know that there are rules out there that are being violated. I didn't know there were such rules and that they were being violated. I was paralysed in ignorance and confusion. My only desire for you, is that this has been of some help.